December 2011
2 posts
damn...
“”There is such a romantic aspect to our connection to each other, but in reality i have decisions because i idealize him too. Sometimes i set the bar so high that lawrence is the only one so therefor no one will be as good or as close to that because they will not be him. i am finally understanding that he is not the epitome of all i can ever have. There are other men out there who...
Time elapsed
So it’s been a long time since I have been on here. I don’t even know where to start with where I am currently at with my love. A lot has changed and happened the last year. I stopped writing because I thought I had found my love again, now I may have lost it forever.
Well what happened was in short. Lawrence hit text me 2cd semester of my freshman year while I was sitting in my english class....
June 2011
2 posts
im growing up and my attention in direct relation...
so in the essence of what i find myself is certain uncertainty. i find i lack the ability completely handle and face the situation i am currently in. I thought what i wanted was to have love and be in a relationship…maybe that’s not it at all. I thought i wanted him back and that he was meant to be in my life, im struggling with that, for reason, but even outside of that i am still...
catching up
so i went mia for a while because mr. cotton reappeared in my life. ish has been very crazy the last two months since we started speaking to each other again. Stuff has changed some for the good some for the bad. Currently i am at a crossroads. i have decided wats best for even if its not what my hearts wants for me or holds for me.
The love i have for him runs deep, In so many ways lawrence was...
April 2011
26 posts
AWWW
ALLOW MY LOVE TO SOOTH WHAT AILS YOU SO THAT YOUR BODY MAY FIND PEACE AND YOU WILL BE ABLE REST….OR SOMETHING LIKE, TEHE I COULDNT SLEEP AND THATS WHAT HE SAID TO ME :)) HE WANTED ME TO TRY TO GET SOME REST AND EVERYTHING LAST NIGHT…NYAWWW HE CARES :))
lol this was my response to him though…
“The rhythm of his heart entices me, the sound of his voice calms me but the...
question?
why do i still love you. why do i continue to put myself through this. this hope of me and you, this dream i allowed to seep back into my thoughts. And with ever inch of freedom i give you to come back into my world. a small piece of me shutters with the fear of loosing you. You try to reassure me by saying i never will again loose you. What you dont understand is that i love you to much to want...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLEtkPyUlnU&feature=... →
memories of the past weekend
will elaborate later on
dq
sigma party
white party
walking up and down streets getting beat with towels
late night
his dorm
the field
getting left with reggie and deno and dion
the walk we took
the bathroom
his job
his tatto
apartment parties
being cramed in cars
playing pool with him
the ride with dj
deno being drunk
sooo this past week i def. put off writing about
It was absolutely amazing to see him again. Words cant express how much love i have for him still. I kind of caught me off guard. I wasnt gonna tell him how i felt but i ended up admitting that i was still in love with him and everything.
It was very confusing trying to deal with my emotions and balance not doing to much. I didnt want to be to pushy around him so i backed off a lot in puplic...
i still find myself fantasizing about the possibilities of us again, even though i cant really see myself with him anymore i still miss the love and think about the memories of better days.
Its funny how a few months ago i couldnt even talk to him on facebook without a fight breakin loose, its nice to be able to speak without all the hostility and drama. Still see that i get jealous feeling when...
his phrases
you ol jerk face
im hating saoftly
im going up yonder
they call me mr. tibs
smd
ok put milk on em tootise
and i am
ima jerk
well…
the snap
lh…dc
nigga use a bitch and im aint
its ya boi
make it happen
real
nnyaaaawwww
you better get it…yes yes!
puuuff …..dick
And it is
“if ever you alone at night just remember that im only a memory away baby”
“you keeping that smile, im keeping this tear, and in it all the love emotions...”
mental breakdowns
so i suffered a mental break down yesterday from him. mainly from the guy i was with and them just missing Lawrence came, which i will have to expalain at a later date date. Anyways, Lawrence knew me better than i knew myself and i just realized how much i missed him still and i cried. i miss him so much. I lost one one the best and worst things that ever happened to me. i dont think anyone will...
my love language
from my previous post i feel as if i am a physical lover who still strongly enjoys quality time. Those are my two strong areas of how i want to be loved.
there are 5 unique types of love, where do you...
So i’m doing something a little different than my normal rantings about my ex, because this journey is about more than just him ya digg. So basically im speaking on the different types of love. I believe that there are 5 types of love a human being can give and recieve. Physical affection, verbal confirmation, service, quality time, and receiving gifts. A long time ago i read a book on...
last thought
“You know ima hold you down just like i promised in the beggining baby. I got you baby and im always gone be here no matter what, always and forever. We gonna make it through the hard times, and nothing is gonna break us. I got 2 much faith in you and us, im never gonna give up on that either, atleast not that easy. Besides I love you way to much….”(facebook album of our first...
midmorning thought...2 days and counting....
so against my better judgement im goin to see you this weekend, against my better judgement, there are so many thoughts runnin through my mind about this. i just dont know how to feel but im gonna go anyways and see where this goes. i just have to see/know. even if it goes absolutely no where. Im trying now to make sure i go into this with a clear mind and thought process ya digg. i dont want to...
crazy old facebook message....was readin sum old...
i tried to call yu this morning buh ig ur phone aint work…how come yu aint write me back? either way this is my attempt at leaving yu something nice, be nice if yu returned it. I love you a lot and i hate that we fight but yu still always on my mind. i miss you alot. this morning when i got up i was kinna cold and it made me think about my grandmas house. like all them days we spent in the...
random very random....may finish latter....dnt...
i swear some days i just want just go numb, just get lost in the night sky, just curl up into a bawl and float away into nothing.
i just dont even have any words for this at...
Here is the note:::sorry its so long:::
here i’ll say it bluntly so maybe this gives an idea maybe u can see what your doing, ur gonna get mad but u really need to think about how deep what i say is. how u react n take this will really show me some things. bcuz right now my image of you is very heartless an i need u to prove me wrong bcuz every thing im tellin myself aint workin it like...
wow...ironic..crazy..n painful...damn baby....damn
This is crazy, i aint even read it and it kind of hurts a lil bit. this is a note convo i started writing about how i felt about all the things going on with me and lc at the time. Like i quess what i was upset and mad about. its crazy. like wow in painful low like daaaammnn type of way…its damn near real sorry that we was like this. it hurts that i was feeling this way about the person i...
lol random thought about a few months ago
girl you better get him,…..ha forget him, im blowing up ballstates area code. we’ve come so far, i’ve come so far
SMN REALLY!?
so i just read the poems he wrote to her and i am highly amused at it. he said to her some of the same things he said to me….like listenin to the song of his heart beat….
March 2011
17 posts
well....
i feel like im being over whelmed with a false hope, as apprehensive as i try to be, i choose to hold in it. Feelings of tears and emotions trapped behind the bars of my eyes, but such is life
Poetry: The ex abortionist →
This is a dedication to my unborn. Love her with all my heart even though she’s not here with me, she is never far from my thoughts. mommy’s little angle, i love you baby, just sorry me and daddy could do better by you.
emptiness
so any other time i write out everything i feel in metaphors an slick words but i actually want to try to describe it. Like have you ever sat there and literally felt your heart beat inside your chest. Like if beat any harder you and you sat reallly still you could almost hear it. thats how i feel some days. I feel empty literally like a tin man(sry i know i said no metaphors) i feel like im so...
poetry: Separated memories →
a poem(well two poems i combined) that obviously were written about him. It was started before me and him began talking again so its unrelated to him popping back up in my life, but very ironic. Wonder if he will read it, he will probably think i did it on purpose to catch his attention, but like i said i started that weeks ago.
random memories
the day i walked away from you super fast and you fell
the day we were up in your room and i was still pregnant and you had taken pictures of me in my tites and of my stomach
the day you gave my food away to your friend and felt bad cuz u gave pregnant girlfriends food away
the day i black out on the porch at your house and you had to carry me in
the day we talked in your kitchen about the...
2nd chances.
I feel like the lord has Given me the oppurtunity for a second chance but with this he has given me test. He placed back in my life a strong hold and im sure with stipulations. He knows his childrens heart and what they need. I believe he put lawrence back in my life for a purpose, the reason im not completely sure. I think we needed that time apart but were ok now. Everything i said i wanted...
HAHA HAHAH HAHA HAAAAA!!!!!! THERE WENT MY...
SOOOO…..either God has a sense of humor, or the devil is trynna test me. Almost had an emotional breakdown because while i was sitting in my class minding my own buisness, quess who text me. WHAt THE FREAK TUMBLR/ PEOPLE/ NO 1? WHoEVER IS OUT THERE?!?! SMDH ROFL SMH WTF WTF!!! AHHHH!!!!!! So ig its just ok for you to pop back up in my life and send me on an emtotional roller coaster from...
blah blah blah. some days i feel like i'm talking...
Call it crazy but it just don’t register still. i know we not together but at the same time i still just can’t get over him. I know i need to though but i feel as if will be a long time, if ever, i can look at him different. Different as in not being hurt and confused at the knowledge that its not me an him anymore, or get over that wierdness of knowing i used to be with you and be so...
So simply put i want to explode.
I have all the what if’s about you thinking of me. I want to be cocky and push these doubts aside and say i know you. you think of me and i know you miss me. i know i run across your mind. I know you still wether we are together are not or if you show it or not its still on your heart. we didnt have a casual relationship that just allows you to walk out and not feel a thing towards me. I...
Making progress
Each day I begin to conquer this inevitable hold your love has on me. Each day I begin to take back a piece of myself. Or rather rediscover those pieces now severed from the exsistence of you. Basically I’m comming to terms that aspects in my life affected by you will still go on without you.
Not a whole lot to say on this but it’s all happy thoughts out here. I listened to songs...
Anxiety
Been Feeling real anxious as of late. My heart is always pounding. I have that feeling like when your a kid and you did something wrong and you know you bout to get in trouble.
sooooo i still get the butterflies in my chest and...
Why do i want to contact him so much. i don’t know. i have ran it through my head a thousand times how it would go. i asked myself a thousand questions and still find im so unsure.
There are so many questions, i wonder if he with ol girl? i been trynna figure it out but i have been unsuccessful. A small part of me wonders would he answer his phone or am i just getting my hopes up? Will he...
keep pushing
i have been avoiding this blog and what not. maybe cuz it hurts maybe cuz im being lazy. who knows. smdh i dont understand why i can just make you go away. well update to life. i have had a lot of memorable things pop into my mind. cant remember most because i tried to block it out. I am at the the point where i talk about you all the time. i compare everything to you becuase you are love and...
why cant i let you go. why does it still feel like...
still trynna move on from you. my uncle came over and reopened that wound. i say im over you and im moving on, but i think its all talk. i know im not, and its still so crazy i thought by now i coulda pushed you away. i think about you and all the possibilities. the maybe’s the what if’s. What would happen if i called. What would happend if i saw you. What would happen i could just...
February 2011
2 posts
rather than hold onto broken dreams ima hold onto...
so i have gone back to the past. in my escapades for men i still find emptyness, shallowness, incompleteness, and disapointment. once again my search leads me back to square one. i am over whelemed by emotions by all the ppl i considered options. and i still find that he is all i want. he is the one i miss, the one who filled that the wholes in my heart and made me feel complete. its crazy how i...
still sore from the healing wounds of heartbreak
should prolly slow down with every thing. im beggining to explore my options a bit much. eventually i will write out a detailed list and explanation of my love affairs. tonight just is not it.
still cannot look at him, it hurts to much. i have not worked up the courage to go to his page in a while. i just cant, still have some remnants of of what if thoughts but reality is setting in and im...
January 2011
4 posts
love's blog
been exploring my options. trynna figure out what i want to do with my life. memories still are not far. still trynna get past the not you stage and i gotta bring it up stage. still cannot look at your picture though.
As far as exploring goes i am finding fully the consequences of heartbreak. The repercussions of having a past wear thin on me trynna have a future.
In this exploration i have...