“”There is such a romantic aspect to our connection to each other, but in reality i have decisions because i idealize him too. Sometimes i set the bar so high that lawrence is the only one so therefor no one will be as good or as close to that because they will not be him. i am finally understanding that he is not the epitome of all i can ever have. There are other men out there who can make me happy, he is not a necessity. in short i finally realized that i can live without him in my life
Not to downplay what he meant but some days i just sit back and ask myself why i fight for that. Even now im almost confident if he or i went mia i would just fine. Outta sight outta mind. i think i try with him just because we have history an thats what we used to doing, almost like i have to. Cant quite explain it and also i dont want to tell him either.”“
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so i wrote this in my past when i was still blinded by my hurt about lawrence. i was so unsure i lacked confidence and all the other things it takes to build a relationship with someone. no wonder it wouldnt work then. I was the one who was unconfident and put that on him. it couldnt work because i didnt believe and trust in him. All i needed to do to keep our live alive was give him a little trust and show him i wanted it as bad as him by believing in him.
I also realise from that not catching up. How wrong i was. if icould really live without lawrence i wouldnt still be here. i would not care. i would have left. and i would not have put up with so much stuff. and if other men were so great i would have found one and been with them by now.
i was so used to being alone that i thought thats where i was supposed to be. it was a way of not getting hurt. if i admitted i needed him. i would be weak. i would get hurt. if i admitted i wanted him, i failed. and risked everything happening all over again. i was inadequate not him. i wasnt ready to be loved. and he fed off it. and eventually became everything i spoke him to be.
i failed.
